Dear Amazon Prime

A letter from a disturbed customer

Image purchased from Shutterstock

Dear Whoever Runs Amazon Prime:

There are many things that people like to do at 4:30 in the morning, including –

1. Attending an all-night party;

2. Waiting up for a teenager on prom night;

3. Having wild sex in the middle of the night.

However, the most popular activity that people like to indulge in at 4:30 AM is sleep. It’s considered normal for most people to be deep in slumber at this time.

Most of us don’t expect to have to get up out of bed at this miserable hour to see who is repeatedly ringing the doorbell, which is what happened to me at 4:30 in the morning on July 10, 2025.

I was lying in bed, having a lovely dream about being on a tiny desert island with Chris Pratt and Benedict Cumberbatch, both of whom were dressed only in very brief Speedos. I was thoroughly enjoying my dream and hoping it would come to a pleasant conclusion.

At that point, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my doorbell. I tried to ignore it and go back to my dream, but whoever was out there kept ringing the damned bell, over and over.

It occurred to me that whoever was there was a determined type of person, so I got up, went and checked the doorbell video to see who was pestering me at such an hour. I didn’t recognize the intruder. I headed back to bed.

The bell rang again.

I figured I had to do something drastic, so I opened my apartment door and yelled, “Who is it?” I live on the first floor of my building, right next to the entrance, so this was easy. I don’t think I awakened any of my apartment neighbors because, so far, nobody has killed me.

After pounding on the glass wall a couple of times, the interloper identified himself as an Amazon Prime delivery guy, with a package for me. Why he was coming at 4:30 in the freaking morning, he didn’t explain.

I went to the lobby door, opened it, and retrieved my package from the man, who, fortunately, didn’t turn out to be an axe murderer. He left to go bother someone else in some other building, and I brought my package into my apartment.

You’d think the package was something urgent, like life-saving medication that I needed to take within a half-hour, or I’d die. But no, it was a twelve-pack of vanilla-flavored diabetic shakes. For that, I had to get out of bed.

It’s terrific that your employees are so dedicated and diligent that they are willing to work at all hours, but really! Dedication like your driver showed me isn’t necessary to maintain good customer relations. The only thing it did for me was make me mad enough to write this damned letter.

Please don’t let this happen again, or I will be forced to take drastic measures, such as searching your website until I actually find a phone number and calling you until you put a real human being on the line. Please don’t make me have to do this. I am a peaceful person who dislikes confrontations, but I can be a tiger when someone disturbs my sleep for a stupid reason, such as delivering food.

Yours truly,

Me

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